Affair relationships, can they really last? If your relationship has started off as an affair and the two of you are wondering if you should leave your spouses and try to make a go of your relationship, you have to carefully consider the consequences of such an action.
It's very tough to keep a relationship going if it has started off by both of you lying and cheating. For one thing you're both going to have a real problem trusting each other. I mean, you both know that you've both cheated, how can you ever really be sure that you won't each cheat on each other? Even if the two of you can overcome that, there are still all the other issues to consider.
For one thing, are there kids involved? This is by far the hardest situation to work through. No one wants to hurt their kids and it will be virtually impossible for the kids to ever feel warm fuzzies for the person who broke their other parent's heart (at least that's the way the kids will see it. More than likely they'll let their cheating parent largely off the hook and blame the other man/woman).
Even if there aren't kids involved, you have to remember that this relationship is just like any other: it starts off hot and passionate, but can you keep that alive? Your marriage probably started off that way too and look where that is.
One of the biggest reasons the two of you felt so free in the first place was because you didn't share any responsibilities. The day to day grind is almost always what slowly works it's way between couples and causes the problems. You have to be realistic enough to recognize that the very same thing will happen between the two of you over time. Your brand new 'soulmate' may not seem so brand new in five or ten years... just like your spouse.
Of course, having considered all of these facts there still remains one question you have to ask yourself, do you still love your spouse? If you can honestly say that you just don't feel love for your spouse (and I'm not talking about the fireworks, tingling toes feeling that always fades and changes in any relationship) than despite the pain it will cause you might be doing them a favor in the long run by leaving.
If it comes to that, it's best for everyone involved if you don't let them know that the catalyst for the breakup is your affair. That is one secret you should keep to yourself. Just let your spouse know that the marriage is over and be as compassionate as possible.
Affair relationships almost never work, but if the two of you have decided that even though you met in the wrong way, you still have a deep love for each other and that your marriages have been over for a long time, you might as well give it a go. Just keep the fact that you've been together while you were still married to other people, between the two of you. No need to cause unnecessary pain.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Questions Relationship - Perhaps You Should
If you have someone close to you who questions relationship that you are in, do yourself a favor and listen. More often than not your mother, or sister, or best friend will see signs that you know are there, even though you deny it. No one should subject themselves to a bad relationship, life is just too short.
I guess when it comes right down to it my first bit of advice would be to stay out of bad relationships in the first place. I know many people reading this would say, 'well I didn't know until I was in love". That may be true, I don't know you or your situation, But I can say that in the case of one of my friends and my sister, who are both in awful relationships that would be a lie.
The truth is that almost always the signs are there very early on. We just choose to ignore them, and usually for the wrong reasons. We usually ignore them because we don't want to be alone or the person looks really hot, etc. For dumb reasons. And before we know it we're in over our heads and feel trapped and unsure of what to do.
The good news is that there are things you can do. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
1. Of course, for the purpose of this article, when I talk about a bad relationship I don't mean an abusive one. I just mean that the two of you aren't compatible and don't get along. If there is abuse going on find help, go to a shelter, go to visit out of town friends, whatever you have to do to get away and be safe.
If, it's not that dire, try to determine (be honest) if the two of you can work on things and make them better. Sometimes the troubles in a relationship are minor and we can easily fix them as long as both parties are willing to try. If you truly think your partner might be willing to give it a try, than by all means give it a try.
2. Sometimes when one partner starts questioning the relationship, and suggesting that the two of you make changes, the other partner will start to get scared and suggest that the two of you take it to the next level. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but it happens. If you start noticing the flaws in your partner or the relationship your partner may start to feel unsure of them self and in order to keep you they might try to lock you in tighter by suggesting that you get married or move in together.
Don't be fooled. If your partner does this it means they are trying to avoid the real issue and they're trying to manipulate you and play on your emotions. Truthfully, if that happens, it should make you question the relationship even more, not less.
So, if someone you know and trust questions relationship your in, than you should take heed and listen. They are only looking out for you and they are more often than not, right to be concerned.
I guess when it comes right down to it my first bit of advice would be to stay out of bad relationships in the first place. I know many people reading this would say, 'well I didn't know until I was in love". That may be true, I don't know you or your situation, But I can say that in the case of one of my friends and my sister, who are both in awful relationships that would be a lie.
The truth is that almost always the signs are there very early on. We just choose to ignore them, and usually for the wrong reasons. We usually ignore them because we don't want to be alone or the person looks really hot, etc. For dumb reasons. And before we know it we're in over our heads and feel trapped and unsure of what to do.
The good news is that there are things you can do. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
1. Of course, for the purpose of this article, when I talk about a bad relationship I don't mean an abusive one. I just mean that the two of you aren't compatible and don't get along. If there is abuse going on find help, go to a shelter, go to visit out of town friends, whatever you have to do to get away and be safe.
If, it's not that dire, try to determine (be honest) if the two of you can work on things and make them better. Sometimes the troubles in a relationship are minor and we can easily fix them as long as both parties are willing to try. If you truly think your partner might be willing to give it a try, than by all means give it a try.
2. Sometimes when one partner starts questioning the relationship, and suggesting that the two of you make changes, the other partner will start to get scared and suggest that the two of you take it to the next level. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but it happens. If you start noticing the flaws in your partner or the relationship your partner may start to feel unsure of them self and in order to keep you they might try to lock you in tighter by suggesting that you get married or move in together.
Don't be fooled. If your partner does this it means they are trying to avoid the real issue and they're trying to manipulate you and play on your emotions. Truthfully, if that happens, it should make you question the relationship even more, not less.
So, if someone you know and trust questions relationship your in, than you should take heed and listen. They are only looking out for you and they are more often than not, right to be concerned.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Emotional Infidelity - Is It Trouble In The Making
We don't live in a bubble. We spend time out in the world with other people and sometimes we make a connection with those other people. This is great, and a wonderful part of life. But it can become emotional infidelity when you are being more intimate with this new person than you are with your partner, even if it isn't sexual. It may be hard to draw the line sometimes but if you find that you are thinking of another person a lot, and not just in a casual way, it may be that you need to assess your own relationship.
It's very common that this type of emotional affair will eventually lead to a sexual relationship. That's one of the main reasons it needs to be nipped in the bud right away. There is no reason to beat yourself up about it just because you happened to meet someone and found that the two of you had an amazing attraction. What you do need to do, however, is to recognize that any type of infidelity is wrong and you need to put a stop to it before it goes any further.
The longer you allow yourself to spend time with this other person, the stronger the attraction will become and the harder it will be to resist temptation, or break things off. If you are sharing things with this new person about your relationship with your spouse, you've crossed a line. It's one thing to confide some things to your friends, but not someone you are attracted to. Doing so will only create bigger problems for you and create an 'unnatural' bond with the new person.
Your spouse is the person you should be sharing these issues with, not someone who you are having feelings for. That is a breach of the trust you and your partner share. By letting this other person in, more and more every time the two of you talk, you are distancing yourself from your partner. If you do that for too long, your main relationship will completely fall apart. And even though you may think that's what you want so you can have the new person, it rarely works out quite so neatly.
It's unbelievably easy to make more out of the time you spend with your new friend. After all, the two of you don't bicker, you don't have any issues with money or how to deal with the kids, etc. The day to day things that can drag us all down aren't shared by the two of you so of course things may seem wonderful. Just remember, they felt that way at first with your spouse too. It's inevitable. But don't confuse that with having found your soul mate. Your soul mate is more than likely the person waiting for you at home.
Emotional infidelity is very often the first step to a full fledged affair. It's very easy to have a connection with someone else, but when that connection seems to take on a life of it's own, you need to pull back before things get so far out of hand that you can't salvage the situation.
It's very common that this type of emotional affair will eventually lead to a sexual relationship. That's one of the main reasons it needs to be nipped in the bud right away. There is no reason to beat yourself up about it just because you happened to meet someone and found that the two of you had an amazing attraction. What you do need to do, however, is to recognize that any type of infidelity is wrong and you need to put a stop to it before it goes any further.
The longer you allow yourself to spend time with this other person, the stronger the attraction will become and the harder it will be to resist temptation, or break things off. If you are sharing things with this new person about your relationship with your spouse, you've crossed a line. It's one thing to confide some things to your friends, but not someone you are attracted to. Doing so will only create bigger problems for you and create an 'unnatural' bond with the new person.
Your spouse is the person you should be sharing these issues with, not someone who you are having feelings for. That is a breach of the trust you and your partner share. By letting this other person in, more and more every time the two of you talk, you are distancing yourself from your partner. If you do that for too long, your main relationship will completely fall apart. And even though you may think that's what you want so you can have the new person, it rarely works out quite so neatly.
It's unbelievably easy to make more out of the time you spend with your new friend. After all, the two of you don't bicker, you don't have any issues with money or how to deal with the kids, etc. The day to day things that can drag us all down aren't shared by the two of you so of course things may seem wonderful. Just remember, they felt that way at first with your spouse too. It's inevitable. But don't confuse that with having found your soul mate. Your soul mate is more than likely the person waiting for you at home.
Emotional infidelity is very often the first step to a full fledged affair. It's very easy to have a connection with someone else, but when that connection seems to take on a life of it's own, you need to pull back before things get so far out of hand that you can't salvage the situation.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Steps To Take that May Save Your Relationship
Picture this: a young man named Jim who works long hours at the office while his wife Liz stays at home, feeling like he barely has any time for her anymore. Liz spends all of her time meeting their children's needs causing Jim to begin to feel like Liz barely has any time for his. Can this relationship be saved? Should it even be saved? Well if you think it should be, then here is how.
Get Commitment from Both Parties
First, you must decide whether or not your relationship is worth saving. While almost every relationship can be saved with hard work, both parties must first agree to try together. If one person wants it but the other doesn't, it will extremely difficult if not impossible to stay together.
Many people decide to stay in a relationship because it is convenient, no one having to take the big step of breaking the other one's heart. Those who are already married stay together for their children's sake. Unfortunately this isn't enough. If you want your relationship to survive then it it needs to start with a commitment by both parties.
Pinpoint the Problem(s)
The next thing you have to do is to pinpoint the problem or more likely, problems, in your relationship. One of the biggest problems when trying to figure out how to save a relationship is that most couples believe that the symptoms of the problems are the actual problems themselves.
One example would be an affair. On the surface it looks like the affair is the reason for the break up. But if you think about it, there is something going on that is much deeper. What caused the affair to occur? For instance, a lack of true intimacy or a feeling of a stagnant relationship can lead to a straying spouse.
By dealing with the lack of intimacy or bringing more excitement back into the relationship by taking your partner out onto a surprise date can help keep another affair from occurring. When you work on the core issues and not on the symptoms, then it is much easier to save the relationship.
Share Your Thoughts & Feelings
When the core problems are identified, you can begin to share your thoughts with each other. This means both verbalizing your feelings and listening to your partner's concerns. One way to send a signal to your partner that you want to reconnect even when your emotions are swirling and conflicted are to hold their hand while you are talking.
When your partner starts to talk about things that hurt you, take it in stride. Remember that he or she is not doing it because he or she wants to hurt you. They are simply sharing how they feel. Always keep in mind that all of this is being done to improve the relationship.
Make a Plan and Set it in Motion
Once you have figured out the problems in your relationship, the next step is to create some sort of plan to solve them.
One plan that is already mapped out for you can be found here: The Magic of Making Up.
Then take the necessary steps to put that plan into action. If you have to work and don't have the time to spend with your partner like you used to, then try setting up a date night to go out on every week. For example, take turns coming up with creative ways to spend an evening together each Wednesday or any other day you both may have off. If communicating with each other is the problem, then commit to spending at least 20 minutes before bed to just talk with each other. Then most importantly, do it.
Last But Not Least
Finally, I hope you realize that saving a relationship is an ongoing process that never ends just because you two are feeling "comfortable." Many times you will feel that when you try to take two steps forward you find yourself instead only taking one step back. I know it is easier said than done, but try to be quick to apologize and slow to blame.
**Would you like to see more in depth tips that will help you fix your relationship with your partner? Then click here to learn more about the Magic of Making Up.
Get Commitment from Both Parties
First, you must decide whether or not your relationship is worth saving. While almost every relationship can be saved with hard work, both parties must first agree to try together. If one person wants it but the other doesn't, it will extremely difficult if not impossible to stay together.
Many people decide to stay in a relationship because it is convenient, no one having to take the big step of breaking the other one's heart. Those who are already married stay together for their children's sake. Unfortunately this isn't enough. If you want your relationship to survive then it it needs to start with a commitment by both parties.
Pinpoint the Problem(s)
The next thing you have to do is to pinpoint the problem or more likely, problems, in your relationship. One of the biggest problems when trying to figure out how to save a relationship is that most couples believe that the symptoms of the problems are the actual problems themselves.
One example would be an affair. On the surface it looks like the affair is the reason for the break up. But if you think about it, there is something going on that is much deeper. What caused the affair to occur? For instance, a lack of true intimacy or a feeling of a stagnant relationship can lead to a straying spouse.
By dealing with the lack of intimacy or bringing more excitement back into the relationship by taking your partner out onto a surprise date can help keep another affair from occurring. When you work on the core issues and not on the symptoms, then it is much easier to save the relationship.
Share Your Thoughts & Feelings
When the core problems are identified, you can begin to share your thoughts with each other. This means both verbalizing your feelings and listening to your partner's concerns. One way to send a signal to your partner that you want to reconnect even when your emotions are swirling and conflicted are to hold their hand while you are talking.
When your partner starts to talk about things that hurt you, take it in stride. Remember that he or she is not doing it because he or she wants to hurt you. They are simply sharing how they feel. Always keep in mind that all of this is being done to improve the relationship.
Make a Plan and Set it in Motion
Once you have figured out the problems in your relationship, the next step is to create some sort of plan to solve them.
One plan that is already mapped out for you can be found here: The Magic of Making Up.
Then take the necessary steps to put that plan into action. If you have to work and don't have the time to spend with your partner like you used to, then try setting up a date night to go out on every week. For example, take turns coming up with creative ways to spend an evening together each Wednesday or any other day you both may have off. If communicating with each other is the problem, then commit to spending at least 20 minutes before bed to just talk with each other. Then most importantly, do it.
Last But Not Least
Finally, I hope you realize that saving a relationship is an ongoing process that never ends just because you two are feeling "comfortable." Many times you will feel that when you try to take two steps forward you find yourself instead only taking one step back. I know it is easier said than done, but try to be quick to apologize and slow to blame.
**Would you like to see more in depth tips that will help you fix your relationship with your partner? Then click here to learn more about the Magic of Making Up.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Can Getting Back At My Ex Get My Ex Back?
Have you ever wanted to get back at your ex for dumping you? But then still felt like you wanted to get back with him or her at the same time? Break ups can be nerve wracking, stressful and frustrating for both sides. If you have just experienced a break up you may be thinking that you want to get back at your ex, but is this really the best course of action to take? One of the most influential ways that you can actually get back at your ex will not only put your ex in an interesting predicament, but it may also repair the relationship in the process by showing your ex how important you are and were to them. So if you want to get back at your ex, but also get back your ex, then here are five tips you can employ that can get back at your ex and in turn get back your ex.
1 - Be strong. No one needs the needy, and this saying applies very well when it comes to broken up relationships. You need to stop begging, clinging or exhibiting the behavior of someone who is feeling desperate. Let your ex think that you have moved on just fine without them by acting strong and moving on. When you've moved on, your ex will realize that they have not.
2 - Minimize communication. Closing the doors of communication may appear counterintuitive when your primary focus is to rekindle things, but it is one of the most important steps when getting back at your ex or getting your ex back. Take a break from your ex, close off communication, and let him or her stew for a little while without any contact. This will allow your ex to clear his or her mind and realize how valuable your relationship was.
3 - Be flexible. Do not be forceful with your ex, demanding that they move out, or pick their things up by a certain date. Be flexible, be a listener and a sympathizer. Your ex will be surprised when they see this side of you, and it may inspire them to build the lines of communication that were lacking when the breakup came into play.
4 - Get the heck out! This is no time for you to be alone. Call your friends and get out of the house. Develop a social network and enjoy some entertainment in your life. This may not mean you need to date, or even pay attention to the opposite sex, but you do need to be getting out and enjoying your time with your friends. Not only will this be therapeutic for you, but it will also help convince your ex that they lost a gem.
5 - Simply be yourself. There was a really good reason for why you and your ex had a relationship to begin with, so go back to being yourself and let your ex remember why they loved you in the first place. This renewed self perception of your own self will surely rub off on your ex as well.
These are five simple ways that you can get back at your ex (in a way) without ruining your chances of getting back with him or her. Remember, to get back at your ex so you can get back with your ex, you have to be strong, minimize communication, be flexible, get the heck out, and just simply be yourself. Follow these tips closely, and you'll do just fine.
1 - Be strong. No one needs the needy, and this saying applies very well when it comes to broken up relationships. You need to stop begging, clinging or exhibiting the behavior of someone who is feeling desperate. Let your ex think that you have moved on just fine without them by acting strong and moving on. When you've moved on, your ex will realize that they have not.
2 - Minimize communication. Closing the doors of communication may appear counterintuitive when your primary focus is to rekindle things, but it is one of the most important steps when getting back at your ex or getting your ex back. Take a break from your ex, close off communication, and let him or her stew for a little while without any contact. This will allow your ex to clear his or her mind and realize how valuable your relationship was.
3 - Be flexible. Do not be forceful with your ex, demanding that they move out, or pick their things up by a certain date. Be flexible, be a listener and a sympathizer. Your ex will be surprised when they see this side of you, and it may inspire them to build the lines of communication that were lacking when the breakup came into play.
4 - Get the heck out! This is no time for you to be alone. Call your friends and get out of the house. Develop a social network and enjoy some entertainment in your life. This may not mean you need to date, or even pay attention to the opposite sex, but you do need to be getting out and enjoying your time with your friends. Not only will this be therapeutic for you, but it will also help convince your ex that they lost a gem.
5 - Simply be yourself. There was a really good reason for why you and your ex had a relationship to begin with, so go back to being yourself and let your ex remember why they loved you in the first place. This renewed self perception of your own self will surely rub off on your ex as well.
These are five simple ways that you can get back at your ex (in a way) without ruining your chances of getting back with him or her. Remember, to get back at your ex so you can get back with your ex, you have to be strong, minimize communication, be flexible, get the heck out, and just simply be yourself. Follow these tips closely, and you'll do just fine.
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Monday, November 15, 2010
Does Your Ex Want You Back?: Guidelines
Does my ex want me back?
This is probably the first question that runs through your mind when he or she begins to show a little interest in you again. By interest I mean trying to spend a little more time with you than before, or you notice that they're trying to flirt with you again. Not just because they answered a text or email back because you sent one first. If you see this, it's okay to let yourself feel some hope, but this is the time to watch what you do, and not just to jump the gun.
But to ease your mind, these are definitely very common signs that your ex is interested in you again. If you find that you still want them back, then this is the time, once again, to follow some strategy and not jump straight into things.
At the moment, the best way to play this out is to play hard to get (in moderation). This is probably even the reason why they are showing interest in you again. If you try to jump right back into things, you may end up pushing your ex away again.
Usually at the start up the break up (or end, depending how you look at it), whether you broke up with your ex, or he or she broke up with you, there will be a natural level of missing on both sides, or a longing to get back together. No matter what, your ex is probably going to miss you just because of how many different memories and experience you both shared together. Mixed in with those good memories, however, are other emotions that come into play like past regrets. If you find yourself wondering "does my ex want me back?" Then odds are that your ex may be thinking the same thing too.
Unfortunately there could be other reasons for your ex to be showing you interest again. Depending on the the guy or girl, they may just be playing a game. They can see that you still have feelings for them, and may be simply trying to get easy attention, without actually intending to take you back. I have even seen some of my own friends do this with someone they don't like anymore just because they happened to feel alone. So, unless your ex really seems genuinely interested in getting to spend time with you, they may just be passing the time because they have no other prospects at the moment.
Even worse, they may be doing this as a way to get revenge for something you may have done wrong in the past. This is why it is so important not to jump back into their life, and why you should focus on reading into the situation before you decide to act on it.
This is common, but when it happens, a lot people continue to ask "does my ex want me back?" The best thing you can do, whether they are playing with you or not, is just to continue playing it cool. Continue to play hard to get, in moderation of course. This is the best scenario because it will prevent you from getting hurt if your ex is not really that serious about getting back with you.
To find out if he or she is really playing you or not, watch to see how they react when you ask them to hang out. If they are just playing with you, then they will contact you when they are looking for attention and turn you down when you ask in return. But if they are serious, then they will ask for your attention and respond positively to your advances as well.
Of course, this isn't fool proof but it's definitely something you now know you can keep an eye out for. Another thing you can try to learn would be how to read body language. Watch to see if he or she leans towards you when you talk (shows interest), whether what you say makes them smile, and other things like that.
Once you realize that they are interested (if they are interested), then it's time to follow a strategy to keep them. One great strategy is spelled out in the Magic of Making up.
Or make up your own. I would definitely recommend a proven strategy like the Magic of Making up; the success of your relationship is up to you.
I hope you have found these guidelines to be useful and that you soon will no longer be asking yourself "does my ex want me back?" Now put these guidelines to use, and get out there!
**If you're a boy and you are trying to win your ex girlfriend back, click here to learn some more easy tips that you can follow.
***If you're a girl and you are trying to win your ex boyfriend back, then click here to learn some easy tips also.
Remember, anything is possible as long as you put your mind to it. You can do it!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
How To Get Your Ex to Return Your Calls
If you are here, you are probably desperately looking for a way to reopen communications between you and your ex. You are probably asking and praying, is there some way to magically get your ex to return your calls?
Luckily for you there is a way that will nearly cast a spell on your ex and make them feel almost compelled to return your call.
Not only are there words that will make them return your call, but I also have tips that can even help you rekindle your relationship and even win your ex back. This is one of the biggest questions for many people and I would love to share the answer with you.
But...
You really have to focus here. If you want to keep your ex once you have caught their attention again; you need to determine a strategy to make sure they will stay. If you use this 'calling back' technique alone, without an 'overall' plan or strategy . . . you may end up damaging your relationship more than if they never returned your call at all.
In the Magic of Making Up, a full strategy is laid out for you.
With a fully organized strategy in mind, lets start with what NOT to say!
What You Don't Want To Do
Before we even get into the actual words that you will say, lets focus on messages that almost NEVER work.
Even worse, they can end up putting you into an AWFUL 'psychological' position.
These are usually put into two (2) categories:
The first is the PLEAD--Where the message usually sounds like
"Baby, please, please call me. I have already called you several times and I really HAVE to talk to you."
The second is the EMERGENCY--
"Cindy, there's been an emergency. Please call me as soon as you get this!"
Now, I think you can see what is wrong with both of those approaches?
I don't think I need to elaborate . . .
What You Do Want To Do
What you do want to do, and what makes this approach seem so magical, is to use his or hercuriosity and self interest to your advantage. These are two of the most powerful forces in the human mind and, if approached correctly, can have your ex running back to you.
So...
Let's look at what you can say that works nearly EVERY TIME.
In a friendly tone:
"Hi John. It's Cindy. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you did for me. Call me because I would like to thank you in person."
Do you see how that uses BOTH curiosity and self interest?
John will NOT be able to resist! In his mind he will be thinking "What did I do?" and "What does she appreciate?" He will be confused but feels good because she left him a positive message. It also doesn't sound too needy, which is another thing that may naturally push people away.
Now...
Before you call you need to do the "Set up" . . . which is to figure out what he/she really did that you appreciate.
You can decide on any small thing, but it needs to be plausible.
But more importantly, and this is a WARNING! Please, please, please have an underlying strategy like what's laid out in the Magic of Making Up System BEFORE you call.
If you use this technique without an underlying strategy to back it up afterwards, and they call you back, you can do more DAMAGE than good if you do not handle it correctly.
Okay? Do you see my logic?
What I am saying is...
What you do before, during and after you get them to return your call is much MORE important than getting them to return your call.
Does this make sense?
Please, have a PLAN! ==> Magic of Making Up
I hope you will try this technique and especially this strategy, because it really CAN magically get your ex to return your calls. I'm rooting for ya!
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